The Lost Month

I promised myself I would write every month when I posted in October. And then November came. And I'm only just starting to come out from under the weight of it all. So this post is my musing on the things that really matter and the hard times.

Sometime in the beginning of November I stopped sleeping. I thought it was just a one night fluke, terrible but manageable. Then the next night I didn't sleep again. On the fifth night without sleep I went to the doctor and mentioned I had some insomnia. He gave me medicine to try. It worked for two days. Then I doubled the dose and it didn't work at all. I wondered if maybe it was the soreness of pregnancy. That's what kept me up a bit last time. But even with the super duper relaxing medicine plus the sleep aid I got nothing. I fell asleep for like fifteen minutes and then was up the rest of the night. I felt drugged so I stopped all the medicines. Then I got sick, twice. And when you've got insomnia and vomiting and a baby who needs you, life seems incredibly difficult.

I know that everyone has times like these. They are simply part of life. And so for a couple of weeks I didn't want to say anything. Because if everyone has hard times, we shouldn't complain, right? Of course Neal and my mother were the exception. I always talk to them about things (thanks guys!). But I tried desperately to help with my sister-in-law's much much harder pregnancy and active kids when I could. And I tried not to let it show that my exhaustion was making me shake as I tried to fulfill my responsibilities at my church. And I tried very hard to see the computer screen for grading student papers and answering emails. But mostly, I tried to make my house appear clean and make it seem like we were doing okay. I literally had to go outside during a family party at Thanksgiving because I just need to cry. But I didn't know how to do that in front of other people, even my own family. I didn't want to show them that I wasn't okay. Because I know so many others who have it worse.

But all the time to think at night when I'm awake, however slow my brain is getting, gave me some perspective. A family friend came for a visit and told me people were worried. I got a call from my Relief Society (my church women's group) saying they wanted to help. And how could they help.

And I cried.

Because I know so many others who need more help.

But they wanted to help me.

I'm weeping now as I write because I am overwhelmed at this concept that we are sometimes going through the hard times simultaneously. I know that one friend has no time or energy as she struggles with a disease that interrupts every part of life. I know my mother is pushing herself to be there for her parents as often as they'll let her while also taking care of two rambunctious grandchildren. I know the friend who has financial troubles which won't seem to resolve themselves quickly. I can keep listing those who I know well, very well, who have struggles that burden them. I spent the month grieving for those who I don't know whose trials are completely outside my realm of experience: refugees trying to escape terrifying circumstances, victims of terrorist attacks and shootings, and homeless in my own city trying to stay warm and fed during the winter.

For weeks I didn't want help because I just wanted others to have the help. Go help the homeless, the ill, the lonely. I have Neal and Peter and a warm home and plenty of food and a baby on the way. I am so blessed. I shouldn't, I can't possibly need help.

How grateful I am that they didn't believe me. I don't know the answers to any of the problems facing the world, or my neighbors, right now. But I know that learning to receive help and love from others is important. Only when I receive their love and give my love do I really understand how love works. It's not  about saving love and service for those who "really need it". We all need it. The more we understand that, the less we'll feel inclined to be false selves going along being just fine.

Today is the second day in a row that I have slept for most of the night. I don't know what changed. Frankly, I just am grateful for the precious sleep I get. And I am sorely tempted to say to those who are just now offering to help that I'm fine. I don't need anything now. Go help someone else.

But today I let a friend take Peter for a while, even though I slept. Even though my house is pretty clean and I probably could manage. Because she offered. She meant it. She doesn't think I'm taking advantage of her. And instead of feeling guilty because others have it worse, I'm grateful for those who want to help. I want to help too, even though I'm still tired and sometimes dizzy and often overwhelmed emotionally. We live in a time when it's so easy to disconnect from real people and real situations. The more we see that we need each other, the more we can be connected again.

This Christmas season as I see Peter marvel at the lights and the music and the traditions, I realize that I have so much. But it's still okay to need help sometimes. As I celebrate the birth of the Savior, I realize that He too needed help. He was a helpless baby who had to be fed and burped and changed and taught. He knew how to receive gifts from those around him. Surely I can too.

So Merry Christmas friends. Thank you for your help and love. I couldn't do this on my own and I'm glad I don't have to.

My two biggest supporters! Also, they're wearing hats because at one point the furnace broke and it got quite cold. So we kept warm with hats made by Neal's mom. :) 

The Important Things

There is absolutely no reason I should be taking time to write. I have a dozen other projects which need my time and attention and energy. I'm behind in grading papers and heck, I haven't even brushed out my hair after my shower. But sometimes you just have to take a break, right?

This autumn Neal and I have tackled a lot of projects. We started our own compost pile, which makes me feel much better about the garden for next year. It's fun to see the magic of vegetable peelings turn into rich compost. It is, however, a challenge to convince Peter that the pile of garbage isn't for playing in. When do kids learn the concept of gross? Because he doesn't seem to think anything is gross yet: garbage, dirty diapers, nasty floor findings, bugs, the toilet scrubber. Part of me loves that he's so adventurous and building his immune system and part of me is super grossed out by his disregard for cleanliness.

There are a million cucumber starts in the compost, too bad it's not the right time to save them!

But Peter sure is learning quickly. He is walking and almost running, giggling at the drop of a hat, and trying to be just like Neal and I. His hair is out of control, but I can't get him to hold still long enough to trim it evenly. I can hardly believe his birthday is in a few weeks.

He just loves reading!

In other news, Neal and I are excited to announce that we are expecting another baby! Baby #2 is expected in the beginning of March. We are again waiting to find out the gender until baby is born, so look forward to "it's a human being" celebrations in the meantime! It does mean that we're working overtime figuring out where to fit this little one and keep our home feeling open and organized. I love projects, but with work, Peter, my church calling, and the exhaustion that can accompany pregnancy, the days are full.

This last week we've been trying to turn the storage room/office into a full time office space that really works for both Neal and I. We still have a lot of stuff to fit in there, but with some extra shelving and minimization we're seeing it open up. It used to be a salon, so I look forward to taking down the vinyl lettering which obviously doesn't reference our lifestyle. I mean, Neal and I do love to talk, but we don't really consider ourselves curlicue gossipers. :)

In addition to the office, we're downsizing on our books, sort of. Mostly, we're just giving up on displaying quite so many books so instead we can have more space and organization. It's been difficult saying goodbye to books we love to have handy, but I'm excited to be able to move around our room without tripping over piles of books. It's funny that the room which needs the least renovation is the room that's getting a new person! The nursery was already put together and simply needs the addition of another bed so these siblings can share a space, but you know, not a bed. :)

So, if you have any adorable storage containers I want them. I'm on the hunt for smaller toy bins with lids and baskets for blanket storage and boxes for closet storage. My goal is that everything really will have a space, no more piles of miscellaneous stuff. Peter is too clever at getting to them all.

This is one of my "before" pictures so I can compare :)

Right around the time we were knee deep in projects, we got the "opportunity" for another unexpected project. We were doing laundry and simultaneously our washer started leaking water and the power went out in the laundry room. I was terrified that I'd somehow broken them both! Luckily (ish) we still haven't fully reattached the carpet from our last laundry room fiasco, so we could quickly dry that out. My thought was that the drain was backing up again, but unfortunately, it's the washing machine itself. So, joy of all joys, we get to find another washer. Initially we thought we'd go the ksl route, but since we'll soon have two kids in cloth diapers, we're considering a brand spankin' new machine. It's crazy since we don't buy anything new. We use the free family exchange most of the time...but some things are just worth it, right?

As for the electrical problem, the good news is that it's 100% not my fault. Yay! It seems that there's a loose wire somewhere hidden in the walls. So, the power magically came back on, but could go out again any moment. Luckily, family members are so handy that we'll get that fixed without ridiculous costs, but it'll be an adventure fixing walls again. I guess it's good news that we didn't get around to painting downstairs yet, since we'd just have to redo it all.

We just feel incredibly blessed to have friends and family who help us make our space safe and beautiful. Most of all, we're grateful to live so close to so many family members who are there for us!

So, life is busy and it's about to get even more crazy. But we're enjoying the adventure. We look forward to a winter of adventure as we get ready for our second baby and celebrate Peter's first birthday.

What I really want to do right now is relax like Peter is learning to relax. Read a book, lean back, stay in my pjs all day!

Super Fast Year Update...

Peter is fussing in his room. He's supposed to be asleep. Why won't that boy follow the schedules I set for him? I'm joking of course, because I know by now that my little boy is on his own timetable and has been from the beginning. That's why he started crawling at four months and walking at ten. That's why he yells when we're eating because I won't let him feed himself soup quite yet. He sits with books in hand as though he could already decipher the words. He taps the cardboard pages in pretend counting, just like me. I knew Peter was going to be his own person, but sometimes I forget how much he is coming into his own. I wonder if I'm paying close enough attention to his progress and his needs. Isn't that something all mothers think about?

And despite his grumpy noises, I sit here, writing for the first time in eleven months. Well, let's be honest, it's the third or fourth time. Those posts never made it past the first paragraph before I gave up though. There's too much to say and most of the story isn't mine. I want to write for Peter, but I also want him to able to write his own story. As my world shifts away from a focus on myself to a focus on him and his needs I realize that my writing must still be mine. Every sentence can't, shouldn't be a retelling of his journey. That's inevitably part of me now, but it doesn't consume my being. For a while I wondered if it would be. Would my own journey through life suddenly be forgotten in the rush of diapers and smiles and nursing?

That last paragraph probably sounds a bit selfish. But I've read enough mommy blogs over the last year to know that anything can be taken wrong. Take my words as you will.

So, to get this blog back on track, I'll give you the quickest update of my life ever. A whole year almost. Wow. Sorry guys. Sorry future Amber who wonders what the first year of being a mom was like.

Peter after his blessing, though minus pants. He's totally fine with that!

Neal and Peter having a little staring contest. 

We went to a storytelling festival at the Egyptian Theater. Peter did love hearing all the wonderful sounds!

Peter started eating food, and it seems taking selfies!

We celebrated pi day with several kinds: pumpkin, peach, chocolate, and blueberry cream! No, we didn't have guests over, I just really love pie.

Peter decided he would be a model in his posing.

I dressed up like Eliza R. Snow for a Relief Society program. I dig the hair except the two hours it took and the bagillion knots there were afterward.

We celebrated mother's day with my favorite bow tie and jacket.

I just love having mini picnics in the back, and Peter learned to kick a ball (sort of).

We found a chair perfect size for Peter! Too bad it's in Rexburg with my brother's family.

We made banana popsicles and Peter loved them!

We celebrated the 4th of July by going to my sister Holly's concert in Layton!

Peter adores playing the piano already. We'll introduce the cello soon, but not too soon...

My boys just being cute

He discovered how to undo the baby proofing and try to read Tim and Terra's textbooks.

Now he just likes to feed himself, or paint himself. It all depends on the mood!

Basically guys, that was a super fast update, but now I can blog without feeling guilty for not telling you stuff from the past. So there! Also, I'll try to actually take photos of things and people other than Peter...sometimes.